I Can't Believe that You are in Love with Me

I know that I have told you all that I am single.....not by choice....but since my tragic break-up with my ex-boyfriend, I decided to venture out into the dating scene again. Since there were no prospects at work, my friend Debbie told me that I should venture online and try to meet someone. She insisted that I put a personal ad on one of those dating sites. I had misgivings, but Debbie talked me into it.
Several strange men and women emailed me, but then there was this one guy who sparked my interest. He emailed me....and I emailed him. We chatted online and text-messaged some. It was shocking how much we seemed to have in common. He sent me a picture of himself and he was cute. I tried to get him to send me a picture via a cellphone, but he said his phone did not have a camera. I thought this was a bit odd, but I did not think much about it.
A few days ago, he text-messaged me and asked me if I wanted to meet him. I was intrigued and scared at the same time. I will be honest....I had never met anyone from online before. I told him I would have to think about it. My friend Debbie nagged me endlessly. "Get out there," she said. "Don't stay home all the time, " she said. "He might be your Prince Charming," she said. Debbie convinced me. Gullible me caved in. I decided to meet my internet friend.
I took off work early today. I brought home my secret admirer gift (that is a totally different story) and played on the Internet for a few minutes. I took a shower and got ready for my date. Little did I know the horror that awaited me.
Since I was so aprehensive about meeting a total stranger for a date, we decided to meet at a local bookstore. I drove to the bookstore at the appointed time. He was supposed to call me at 7:00 and we would then meet in some area of the bookstore. My cell phone rang......George told me he was in the Self-Help section of the bookstore. I was skimming over a book on Kaballah, so I put it down and walked over to the Self-Help section. There was only one guy there.....but it wasn't George. I called George on my cell phone.....and this guy next to me answered his phone. Oh my God...he was my George. Zoots! My worst nightmare was starting to happen.
You see....my date was supposed to be 30 years old, dark haired, and handsome. This guy was at least 50, maybe older. He was bald and had a beer-belly. How was I going to get out of this? I had to remind myself this was just a date...this was just a date....this was just a date.
The original plan was to meet in the bookstore, eat dinner, and go to a movie. Well...we did those things, but not as I expected. Turns out that George is an assistant manager at Burger King. There is nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but he took me to dinner at Burger King. He introduced me to his co-workers and underlings....and we ate dinner on our first date at Burger King. He ordered a Double Whopper with Cheese and Extra Onions, french fries, and (of course) a Diet Coke. I ordered a salad and Bottled Water...not the dinner I expected.
All George could talk about was Burger King this and Burger King that. I made the mistake about asking him if Burger King had a Hamburger University like McDonalds. Oh brother did I regret that question. I now know everything there is to know about manager training classes in Burger King. Well, I survived the meal and I discovered that George was not planning on taking me to the movie theatre....We were going to watch DVDs at his house.
I tried to be nice....I always keep my word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it! I told George that I would go out with him, and by George I was going to get through this somehow. So we went to his house.....but he did not live alone. He lived with his mother! Mama Byrd cooked us some brownies.......but Mama Byrd has a lot of mama cats. I think I counted 8 cats in the house. The cats were all in the kitchen....on the stove....on the sink.....on the countertops. I told Mama Byrd that I was diabetic and could not eat any brownies. So Mama Byrd, George, and I sit down together in the living room and watch DVDs. Guess what we end up watching.....Seems that Mama Byrd loves Shirley Temple movies. So we watch "Heidi" and I want to scream HELP!!!!! Luckily Mama Byrd sat between us, so George could not make any moves on me.
Mama Byrd's cats were interesting as well. One of them was blind....The poor, blind cat. I thought I was in the middle of a psych ward. Shirley Temple, blind cats, Mama Byrd...what else could be thrown at me. Little did I know that the worst was still to come.
When the movie ended, I told George that I had better go. He walked me out to my car and leaned over and gave me a little kiss......An oniony kiss.....There must have been 5 onions on that Whopper and I tasted every onion his breathe. Then...the Pièce de résistance........
Yet again, Connie's songs make the tapestry of my life. My life is truly a Connie Francis song. You see.....on the first date....George told me that he loved me. He loved me. Zoots!
Connie---what am I going to do? George---I Can't Believe that You are in Love with Me

I guess I won't be seeing George any longer. I asked him if he was a Kabbalahist. He said No...and I told him that I could never date a non-Jew. He took it pretty hard, but I think he will be OK.

Not sure I will be going on any on-line dates anytime soon.